Tatizo katika penzi

Love can build you up, and it also can break you down. Love is as complex as it's own definition. Nimepokea swali kutoka kwa Penny, asante kwa e-mail na pongezi.

Dada penny ana tatizo:

Dear Dr. Wannabe,
Nakushukuru sana kwa moyo mkuu ulionao, sharing with us your experience ni mbaraka mkubwa kwetu, nimtangulize mwenyezi Mungu kwa kutupa wasaa na akili pia. Mungu akubariki sana.

Mimi ni mwanamke mwenye umri wa miaka 37 sasa, nina watoto wawili wenye umri 11.F na 9.M, Nimetengana na mume wangu toka mwaka 2005. 2006 nikapata mwanaume alienipenda tukawa tunaishi wote hadi sasa. Tatizo ni mlevi sana na ni mdogo kwangu kwa miaka miwili, wazazi wake hawanipendi kiasi kwamba wamemtafutia mwanamke wa kabila lao Mjaluo amuoe. Kwa upande wangu niko kama nimekata tamaa naye coz ugomvi kati yetu umekua ni kawaida sana kwasababu ya pombe na umalaya wake.

Juzi jumamosi nilikwenda zangu kanisani kurudi nikakuta kabeba kila kitu chake kaondoka kaenda kuishi na dada yake Ilala. Hakuniaga na mimi sijamuuliza kwanini kafanya hivyo coz najua kashatoa mahari huko musoma anataka kuoa. Ananinambia mimi nitakua girlfriend wake ila anahitaji kuoa kwa kua mimi sijadivorce. Nimeshindwa kudivorce kwakua ndoa yangu ni ya kanisana na huyo jamaa kakataa kunipa divorce na amesema hataoa anataka turudiane mimi sitaki. Ukweli ni kwamba nampenda sana huyu jamaa kias nashindwa hata kulala namuwaza sn hata sijui nifanyeje.

Jana kanitumia ujumbe kuwa "I AM CONFUSE DARLING! NADHANI AM GOING TO CALL OFF EVERYTHING I DON'T THINK I WILL BE HAPPY IN THE FUTURE. I LOVE U. Akimaanisha hataki tena kuoa, sasa mimi ananichanganya hebu nisaidie nifanye je? ama nimshauri je?

Thank you for your time
Penny

RESPONSE:

Mpendwa dada Penny,

Pole kwa matatizo unayokabiliana nayo. Unaonekana ni mtu wa imani....ujue kuwa mungu anakupenda dada yangu. I'm not concerned about him, it's you I worry about. Relationship yenu iko complicated, ingawa simsapoti mpenzi wako wa sasa, namwelewa frustration zake. Sooner or later anataka asettle down awe na mke, na future yenu iko uncertain kwa kuwa bado unahesabika mke wa mtu. Jaribu kujiweka katika nafasi yake...imagine uko na mwanaume ambaye hajaachana na mkewake ingawa wametangana....na hujui kama watakuja achana au lini...it's rough. There's no excuse for umalaya wake.

Swali langu kwako, why are you even wasting your time with him kama ni malaya? Ulevi tuweke kando...huenda ndio jinsi yake ya ku cope na stress kichwani mwake, na kugombana ni manifestation ya hizo stress. Lakini suala la kutembea na wanawake wengine...that's a serious deal breaker. Kwa kweli Tanzania kujihusisha kimapenzi na mtu unayejua kuwa ni malaya ni sawa na kucheza na bastola ambayo unahisi inarisasi. Unasema unampenda sana huyu bwana, sawa....swali langu kwako ni do you love YOU?...do you love your precious kids' mother?

Penny, Huyo mwanaume anayeamuliwa kila kitu na wazazi wake bado, siyo mwanaume wakukufaa katika age yako. Sad thing is that your kids are witnessing your relationship, you are your daughter's role model. She is learning to "love" like her mother, to be a woman who puts up with a cheating husband. That it is okay to constantly fight and argue in a relationship. Bwana wako ana-influence katika makuzi ya mtoto wako wa kiume pia, kama anashuhudia your fights, and the way your man treats you...he's learning subconsciously to be that kind of man.

Nakwambia siri kuhusu most of African American men as an example....many of them treat women as warm meats with fresh blood. Bitches, ho's, and....yes MEAT are some of the names they refer to in the streets when talking about their women. Si kwa majina tu, bali hata kwa matendo. Unajua kwa nini? kwa sababu wamejifunza kwa wakubwa wao tangu wangali watoto, kama wanakua wakiona mama zao wenyewe wakiwa treated like MEAT what do you expect them to treat girls they sleep with?. No offense to those married to some few good African Americans, for the record...not all of them are like that.

My advice to you...take a break. Andaa dina nzuri, nunua candles weka na maua yenye harufu nzuri mezani....put your favorite slow music on mwambie kuwa mnahitaji alone time for a day, just the two of you. Mkimaliza kula mwambie feelings zako honestly...not in any judgemental or argumentative tone, acknowledge his strength in the relationship, too. If he becomes fire, be water. Tell him that you both need to separate for the moment, and reflect on your relationship. I say give eachother two weeks...no sex, no physical contacts, simu inaruhusiwa lakini hakuna kuongelea mapenzi. That's your time to reflect HONESTLY. Ask Penny:

• What do you really want in your life...what are you missing?
• What is the most important thing to you right now, and what are your responsibilities?
• If you were a man of your dreams, would you date or marry you?, why?
• Are you happy with the way you are as a person? (not what you have)
• Do you deserve this constant fighting, this drama, this pain, this drunkard?
• Are you going to be alright without a man in your life?
• How much longer can you take living in the state you're in if nothing changes?Is it worth it?

You're a woman, your intuition on this matter is right...but sometimes you need to back it with reason. When you work on those questions, you will have the reasons from yourself, for yourself. Itafaa zaidi ukiyajibu kwa kuandika kama essay, halafu usome kwa sauti mara kwa mara.

Kuhusiana na swali la mwisho, sikushauri kujihusisha deep in serious relationship with anybody mpaka umalizane na ex-husband. Guess what, he still runs the show and controls your life with a remote controller. If you know your right as a woman, and a human being go get it!. Look, I believe in God too....and he's the supreme, the all knowing, the almighty, the most compassionate. He knows what's in your heart, he created us all, right?. You don't want this man, evidently you don't love him...ndoa yenu imeshindwa. It's time for you to take control back in your life. Mimi sio mtaalamu wa dini, wala sheria, if you're catholic jaribu kuongea na wakuu wa kanisa kuhusu uwezekano wa annulment. Jaribu kwa viongozi tofauti, unaweza kukuta wengine wako biased kwa waume...ikishindikana Tanzania nitumie e-mail. There has to be a way, and you can do it...ikibidi hata kimahakama.

Take a time off and work on yourself, then get annulment/divorce taken care of...and appreciate your good qualities. Just enjoy your own company sometimes, be your own best friend first and foremost. You will see the changes on how others look at you. Love will come to you at the right time, when you're ready for it...it better be real next time. It may come in the same flesh (as your current man) but different attitude, or it can be someone totally new.

Good Luck!.